Ah, this is genius (and a core precept of Stoicism): “Men are disturbed not by the things which happen, but by the opinions about the things.”
If the things that happen ABSOLUTELY cause a certain response, then EVERYONE who ever has that type of experience would have the *exact* same response. Obviously, that isn’t the case. Here, Epictetus tells us that: “for example, death is nothing terrible, for if it were, it would have seemed so to Socrates.”
Therefore, we need to recognize that it’s not the event that creates the response, it’s how we interpret the event (our “opinion” as Epictetus says) that determines everything. This is a HUGE theme in Stoic philosophy.
Marcus Aurelius says the same thing: “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
And so does Seneca: “The place one’s in, though, doesn’t make any contribution to peace of mind: it’s the spirit that makes everything agreeable to oneself.”
It’s not just Stoics who teach this wisdom. EVERYONE says the same thing. Buddhists call it “emptiness,” Osho tells us to have “response-ability” and modern day gurus like Jack Canfield give us an equation to figure it out (E+R=O).
In his great book interpreting the ancient Tibetan Buddhist sutra The Diamond Cutter (see Notes), Geshe Michael Roache teaches us: “In the last chapter we spoke about the hidden potential in all things—what the Buddhists have always called ‘emptiness.’ We saw, clearly, that nothing that ever happens to us is a good thing or a bad thing from its own side, because—if it were—then everyone else would experience it that way as well. For example, our irritating person at work would strike everyone else in exactly the same way, if his or her “irritating-ness” were something inside that was flowing out of that individual and flying across the room to us. In reality though there is almost always someone who finds the person good and lovable.”
Osho (see Notes on The Book of Understanding) breaks it down for us this way: “The word “responsibility” has been used the wrong way. It gives a feeling of burden. You have to do it, it is a duty; if you don’t do it you will feel guilty. I want to remind you that the word ‘responsibility’ has none of those connotations. Break the word in two—response-ability—and you enter a totally different meaning of the word, a different direction… Response-ability simply means spontaneous response. Whatever situation arises, joyously respond to it, with your totality, with your intensity. And the response will not only change the situation, it will change you.”
And, Jack Canfield gives us an equation to consider (Event + Response = Outcome) and tells us this in his great book The Success Principles (See Notes): “It is time to stop looking outside yourself for the answers to why you haven’t created the life and results you want, for it is you who creates the quality of the life you lead and the results you produce. You—no one else! To achieve major success in life—to achieve those things that are most important to you—you must assume 100% responsibility for your life. Nothing less will do.”
I could go on for quite a while on this subject as it’s one of THE most important Big Ideas echoed throughout the literature. For now, ask yourself: where am I blaming the outside world for my response and can I see how it’s my INTERPRETATION of that event that’s causing the problem?!?
Ah… shucks. We’re on a roll so we might as well bring in some scientific positive psychology, eh? :)
Sonja Lyubomirsky calls our negative interpretations “barrier thoughts” and says this in her *phenomenal* book The How of Happiness (see Notes): “Write down your barrier thoughts, and then consider ways to reinterpret the situation. In the process, ask yourself questions like… What else could this situation or experience mean? Can anything good come from it? Does it present any opportunities for me? What lessons can I learn and apply to the future? Did I develop any strengths as a result?”
So, again. Back to you: you have any opinions/barrier thoughts getting in the way of your happiness? Let’s polish ‘em! :)