Courage is NOT the *absence* of despair.
As May says, it’s the capacity to move ahead in spite of our despair. REALLY important distinction.
As I’ve said many times in these Notes, it’s easy to look at people we admire and think they’ve arrived at a place where they no longer experience any doubts/fears/desperation. But, that’s just not how it is.
John Eliot, in his great book Overachievement (see Notes), says this: “Butterflies, cotton mouth, and a pounding heart make the finest performers smile—the smile of a person with an ace up their sleeves… They definitely would agree with Tiger Woods, who has often said, ‘The day I’m not nervous stepping onto the first tee—that’s the day I quit.’”
And Georgia O’Keefe says: “I’ve been afraid every single day of my life, but I’ve gone ahead and done it anyway.”
So, the day Tiger Woods is NOT nervous stepping onto the first tee is the day he quits. And, Georgia O’Keefe has been afraid every single day of her life, but hasn’t let that stop her…
Unfortunately, for most of us, we won’t even TRY something new if it makes us nervous. We’ve already rehearsed all the different ways it can go wrong before we even try and then, way too often, don’t dare to go for it. Eek.
Or, when we wake up in the morning with a pinch (or a tsunami, as the case may be) of despair, we pull the covers over our heads and ignore the commitment we made the night before to get up early and (re-)begin our meditation practice or exercise regimen or whatever.
Again, it’s not about NOT having the despair.
It’s about whether or not we have the courage to move forward in spite of it.
Let’s go back 2,500 years and listen to what Aristotle had to say. He’d *definitely* agree with Sir Rollo that “courage is not the absence of despair; it is, rather, the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair.” Remember Aristotle’s virtuous mean? He liked to say that there were “vices of excess” and “vices of deficiency” and that right between those vices was the “virtuous mean.” One of my favorite examples is the virtue of courage.
If courage is the virtuous mean, what would be the vice of deficiency?
Well, if you have too little courage, you’d be a coward. You’d experience fear/despair/doubt/nerves and you’d just run the other direction. Not so good. Vice of deficiency.
How about a vice of excess?
Well, a vice of excess in this case would be too MUCH fearlessness. Aristotle calls that being rash. Imagine jumping out of a plane without a parachute. Not such a good idea. Vice of excess.
So, let’s remember, courage is NOT the absence of despair/fear/nerves. It’s the willingness to go for it IN SPITE of those kamikaze butterflies. :)
And, before we head to the next Big Idea, I want to take a moment to share a bit of wisdom on HOW to get through the despair. It’s one thing to know that it’ll be there at times and it’s another to know how to deal with it directly.
Let’s look at what Martin Seligman has to say in his *great* book, Learned Optimism (see Notes): “Whether or not we have hope depends on two dimensions of our explanatory style; pervasiveness and permanence. Finding temporary and specific causes for misfortune is the art of hope: Temporary causes limit helplessness in time, and specific causes limit helplessness to the original situation. On the other hand, permanent causes produce helplessness far into the future, and universal causes spread helplessness through all your endeavors. Finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune is the practice of despair… The optimistic style of explaining good events is the opposite of that used for bad events: It’s internal rather than external. People who believe they cause good things tend to like themselves better than people who believe good things come from other people or circumstances.”
Check out the PhilosophersNotes on Learned Optimism for the whole discussion on explanatory styles and how you can get your mojo on more consistently by shaping how you explain the events that are happening in your life. But for now, know that it’s ALL about how we perceive the challenge.
If you make it permanent and pervasive, meaning you think it’s here to stay and that it’ll apply to all aspects of your life, you just bought yourself a ticket to helplessness which is the fastest way to depression.
If, on the other hand, you make a setback or feeling of despair temporary and specific, meaning that the problem is NOT permanent (aka “This too shall pass…”) and it’s NOT pervasive (rather, tied to the specific issue), you’ll be embracing an optimistic explanatory style that will leave you more empowered and beat your heart of courage to pump blood to all those other vital activities of your life. :)
Of course, this is only relevant to the extent it relates to YOU, so….
What’s one area of your life in which despair/stress/angst might be slowing you down? How can you move forward in spite of that despair today and how can you choose a more optimistic explanatory style to rock it?!?