Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice

The real you vs. the critical inner voice.

If you agree with the Dalai Lama, you could say the critical inner voice is the ultimate enemy.

The authors share this brilliant quote from the Dalai Lama: “We allow ourselves to be ruled by our thoughts and emotions, and furthermore . . . we allow our thoughts and emotions to be determined by our negative impulses and other afflictions of the mind. . . . If we continue to allow this situation to occur, it can only lead to misery and suffering. . . . Whatever brings disaster or harm should be called an enemy, so this means that the ultimate enemy is actually within ourselves.”

I just love the way Michael Singer describes the inner voice in his great book, The Untethered Soul (see Notes). He tells us it’s kinda like having a REALLY crazy roommate. In his words: “Basically, you’re not alone in there. There are two distinct aspects of your inner being. The first is you, the awareness, the witness, the center of your willful intention; and the other is that which you watch. The problem is, the part that you watch never shuts up. If you could get rid of that part, even for a moment, the peace and serenity would be the nicest vacation you ever had.”

And: “How would you feel if someone outside really started talking to you the way your inner voice does? How would you relate to a person who opened their mouth to say everything your mental voice says? After a very short period of time, you would tell them to leave and never come back. But when your inner friend continuously speaks up, you don’t ever tell it to leave. No matter how much trouble it causes, you listen.”

The book is all about recognizing when that critical inner voice takes over the airwaves and developing strategies to conquer it.

Let’s explore some more Big Ideas on it!

As you know if you’ve read many of these Notes, this is one of THE most frequent themes we come back to again and again.

It’s been awhile since I’ve gone on a quote fest on the subject so why not explore a handful of my favorites?

Why would I want to do that? Because I want you to KNOW that your *reaction* to whatever is happening is determining your mood, NOT the event itself!!!! We need to really get this. And then get really good at observing the thoughts that are creating our moods. And then learn how to challenge those thoughts and create more empowering interpretations!

Can I get an “Amen!”?!?

Thanks. Now for some powerful wisdom gems! :)

Albert Ellis, one of the most preeminent psychologists of the 20th century, tells us this (see Notes on A Guide to Rational Living for more): “The mechanism of such an emotional disturbance is not difficult to grasp. It looks, at first blush, as though it’s just a matter of “stimulus” and “response”—as if something unfortunate happens to people (the stimulus), and that, by itself, causes them to get upset (the response). But it looks that way only because, when something unfortunate happens, the key element of emotional arousal—their irrational thinking—leaps into action almost instantaneously and, of course, largely out of sight.

The actual mechanism of an emotional disturbance is a stimulus-belief-response, or as we say in REBT: “Action-Belief-Consequence.” These are the terms behind REBT’s well-known ABC model of emotional arousal. Bottom line: it’s not our life events (Actions) that, themselves, directly disturb us (produce unpleasant emotional Consequences). It’s our irrational demandingness, our shoulds, oughts, and musts (Beliefs), that largely do the job.”

Tal Ben-Shahar puts it this way in The Pursuit of Perfect (see Notes): “The basic premise of cognitive therapy is that we react to our interpretation of events rather than directly to the events themselves, which is why the same event may elicit radically different responses from different people. An event leads to a thought (an interpretation of the event), and the thought in turn evokes an emotion. I see a baby (event), recognize her as my daughter (thought), and feel love (emotion). I see the audience waiting for my lecture (event), interpret it as threatening (thought), and experience anxiety (emotion).”

Tal continues: “The goal of cognitive therapy is to restore a sense of realism by getting rid of distorted thinking. When we identify an irrational thought (a cognitive distortion), we change the way we think about an event and thereby change the way we feel. For example, if I experience paralyzing anxiety before a job interview, I can evaluate the thought that elicits the anxiety (if I am rejected, it will all be over and I will never find a job) and reinterpret the event by disputing and replacing the distorted evaluation with a rational one (although I really want this job, there are many other desirable jobs out there). The distortion elicits an intense and unhealthy fear of failure; the rational thought reframes the situation and puts it in perspective.”

To go old school on it, we’ll bring a couple Stoic philosophers into the mix.

In Meditations (see Notes), Aurelius tells us: “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” While in Letters from a Stoic (see Notes), Seneca offer this: “The place one’s in, though, doesn’t make any contribution to peace of mind: it’s the spirit that makes everything agreeable to oneself.”

In his Success Principles (see Notes), Jack Canfield puts “Taking 100% responsibility” for our lives in the #1 slot and tells us: “It is time to stop looking outside yourself for the answers to why you haven’t created the life and results you want, for it is you who creates the quality of the life you lead and the results you produce. You—no one else! To achieve major success in life—to achieve those things that are most important to you—you must assume 100% responsibility for your life. Nothing less will do.”

And, finally, Osho gives us this goodness (see Notes on The Book of Understanding): “The word “responsibility” has been used the wrong way. It gives a feeling of burden. You have to do it, it is a duty; if you don’t do it you will feel guilty. I want to remind you that the word ‘responsibility’ has none of those connotations. Break the word in two—response-ability—and you enter a totally different meaning of the word, a different direction… Response-ability simply means spontaneous response. Whatever situation arises, joyously respond to it, with your totality, with your intensity. And the response will not only change the situation, it will change you.”

Alrighty then. That’s enough for now.

*crosses fingers*

I hope I’ve convinced you that it’s your interpretations of what’s going on that’s creating how you’re feeling in any given moment! :)

Guilt.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with a sense of guilt (and shame) in our lives but we want to check in on how our critical inner voice likes to attack us in unhealthy ways.

As the authors advise us, rather than attack ourselves, it makes a LOT more sense to have compassion for ourselves and the others involved as we (VERY IMPORTANTLY!) identify the behavior(s) we intend to change in the future.

Tibetan Buddhists have this one figured out nicely as well. In The Diamond Cutter (see Notes), Geshe Michael Roache tells us that: “There’s no word in Tibetan for ‘guilty.’ The closest thing is ‘intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.’”

That’s pretty amazing.

—> Swapping out guilt for “intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”

A recipe for constructive living, eh?

Wayne Dyer is even more intense about it. In Your Erroneous Zones (see Notes), he tells us: “Guilt is the most useless of all erroneous behaviors. It is by far the greatest waste of emotional energy. Why? Because, by definition, you are feeling immobilized in the present over something that has already taken place, and no amount of guilt can ever change history.”

So, there ya go. If you’ve made some mistakes in your life that you’re beating yourself up about, see if you can settle down that critical inner voice and pull back on the guilt as you take responsibility, bring a sense of compassion AND commit to modifying your behavior from here on out.

Needless to say, the critical inner voice plays a leading role in creating depression. The authors dedicate an entire chapter to addressing this dynamic.

We’ve hit on #1 in depth in these Notes (challenge your negative thoughts!! the earlier in the process the better!!). Let’s underscore #3 for a moment: If you’re feeling like poop, you tend to stop doing the things that used to give you pleasure. Well, you need to FORCE yourself to do them. Even if you don’t feel like it or you don’t have any energy, go for the hike or go swimming or do photography or visit your friends–whatever *usually* makes you feel great, go out and DO IT!!! Seriously. This is big.

If you’re in a funk, check in on these steps and go out and do something you enjoy!!

—> “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Amen to that. How about we take a quick inventory of a few important items? :)

What goals inspire you? The following goals are inspiring me: ______________________

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What’s your purpose in life? My purpose in life is: _______________________________

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Are you living in integrity with your deepest values? How can you live with even more integrity and have fun in the process?! Here’s how I can live with even more integrity: ______

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Let’s turn off the TV and log off the Internet a little more often and take the time to deeply examine our lives.

P.S. As we do that, let’s also remember Dan Millman’s mojo: “It may be true that the unexamined life is not worth living—but neither is the unlived life worth examining.”

So… Here’s to examining AND living! :)

The good life isn’t about getting rid of everything “bad” and creating a “perfect” life. In fact, that’s impossible.

As Albert Ellis tells us in A Guide to Rational Living: “Let us emphasize that we do not believe that any human can, for any length of time, feel perfectly or completely happy. Your frantic search for a perfect anything, in fact, almost dooms you to misery. You aren’t the kind of animal that achieves perfection in virtually anything—especially perfect happiness. Because of your ever-changing experiences, you are subject to hundreds of irritations, pains, ills, diseases, and stresses. So you can overcome many of your physical and emotional handicaps, as we show in this book. But not all.”

Josè Silva and Burt Goldman put it this way (see Notes on The Silva Mind Control Method of Mental Dynamics): “Unremitting happiness, of course, is not a possible—or desirable—state. According to the principle of rhythm, there is always an inflow and an outflow, an ebb tide and a flood tide. You’ll always have highs and lows—there’s no way to avoid that. However, your highs will be higher and your lows will be higher. And you’ll find that what is a depressive state for you might be a moderately happy state for someone unaware of the Five Rules of Happiness.”

Alright. So, we want to embrace the highs and the lows. Got it. The other key?

We’ve gotta commit ourselves to “a search for personal meaning and transcendent goals–of which happiness is a by-product.”

Love that.

And I love the way Tom Morris describes the importance of creating “transcendent goals” by focusing on how we can make a contribution. In True Success (see Notes), he tells us: “The desire to have, to acquire and possess, is in principle insatiable, and rarely generates the sense of fulfillment and happiness it promises. By contrast, only the desire to contribute, or to give can reliably, when acted on, yield the true sense of satisfaction we all deeply need. The conclusion I draw from this is that each of us should be guided in our goal setting by the simple question: “How can I best make my contribution to the world?” In our own priorities, doing should always precede having. Only then will we have what we most truly need.”

In Authentic Happiness (see Notes), Martin Seligman echoes this beautiful wisdom with some of his own where he tells us: “The good life consists in deriving happiness by using your signature strengths every day in the main realms of living. The meaningful life adds one more component: using these same strengths to forward knowledge, power, or goodness. A life that does this is pregnant with meaning, and if God comes at the end, such a life is sacred.”