#1907 The Gas Station Chat

I’m typing this mid-way through creating a Note on David Yeager’s GREAT book called 10 to 25.

His book is all about “The Science of Motivating Young People.”

I’ll share more details on David and his book soon. For now, know that he’s Carol Dweck’s protégé (and one of THE most respected developmental psychologists in the world) and this book will be my new go-to parenting book.

I interrupted my normal creative process to MAKE SURE I created this +1.

So…

Let’s get to work.

Now…

Dr. Yeager’s book is all about cultivating what he calls a “Mentor Mindset” to help bring out the best in the next generation. The hallmark of the mentor’s mindset is, essentially, simultaneously having BOTH high standards AND high support.

We’re demanding AND we’re warm and supportive.

When we’re JUST demanding, we can fall into what he calls the “Enforcer Mindset.” When we’re JUST supportive, we can fall into what he calls the “Protector Mindset.”

Again, we want to have BOTH his standards AND be super supportive—seeing someone’s potential and holding them to the standards that will help them activate it WHILE being super supportive in the process.

We’ll take a deeper dive into all that soon.

For now…

I want to talk about one particular passage near the end of the book that deeply moved me.

Here it is…

David tells us: “Dr. Daniel Lapsley is a professor of adolescent psychology at the University of Notre Dame. He grew up in Pittsburgh, where his father was a coal miner while his mother was a homemaker. He never thought about college because nobody in his family had ever been. One summer day in 1965, just before he started seventh grade, Lapsley and his friends were hanging out at a gas station after playing basketball. Lapsley struck up a conversation with a college-aged guy who was waiting for his car to get fixed. Soon the topic turned to the Vietnam War. Lapsely was a reader, and he precociously defended President Johnson’s domino theory of communism in the region and the United States’ role in the war. The college guy argued the other side in earnest, a little surprised that Lapsley had done his research, but also encouraging him. He gave no hint of ridicule, sarcasm, or belittlement. When his car was ready, he turned to Lapsley and said, ‘You are an extraordinarily bright kid. Have you thought about going to college?’ Then, for reasons Lapsley still doesn’t understand, he asked if Lapsley had read Dante’s The Divine Comedy and said how much he would enjoy it—implying that Lapsley would be up for the challenging read. Lapsley was twelve. He can still remember the exhilarating pride—the earned prestige. ‘I walked home as if striding mountains. Imagine this stranger urging me to go to college, wondering if I’ve read Dante.’ This interaction offers a good example of what I mean when I say that earned prestige is motivating. Eventually, Lapsley did indeed go to college, just like the stranger had recommended. And he never left. He earned his PhD and spent his entire adult life as a college professor; he now serves as a lead mentor in the university’s program to support first-generation college students.”

That’s from a chapter in Section III which is all about “Building a Better Future.”

The chapter that precedes it is an incredibly inspiring look at how we create “Inclusive Excellence” such that disadvantaged groups are best given the opportunity to do truly excellent work and flourish while making important contributions to their fields and communities.

The main theme of that chapter and how we create inclusive excellence?

The essence of the entire book…

The mentor mindset featuring its hallmark of high standards AND high support.

Now...

Right after that passage above, Yeager tells us that Lapsley said that “the encounter with the stranger at the gas station looms larger than any teacher, larger than anything that happened in any school. The stranger at the gas station planted an idea, raised a possibility that had not occurred to me. ... He made me feel special, talented. ... This clear, vivid memory I have has never shaken. And I credit this encounter, this stranger, with setting me on the path that was unusual for kids in the steel town of my birth.”

I actually got emotional reading his story as I felt into my own upbringing AND an experience I had just last weekend. I nearly wept recounting the story with Alexandra a moment ago.

First, as I’ve mentioned, I am a first-generation college student. Technically, my grandfather put himself through college while driving a taxi when he had young kids, but neither one of my parents went to college. So, this story struck a chord from that perspective.

But what really moved me was an experience I had at Emerson’s chess tournament last weekend. It was on the very last day—over FOUR hours into his final game. Emerson was one of the very last players to finish. I was sitting outside the door eagerly awaiting him to open the door and flash me a thumbs up “I WON!” or a thumbs down “I lost...” (or, of course a neutral “I drew”).

I don’t remember precisely how my interaction with a high school kid who finished just before Emerson started, but I found myself standing next to him as he placed the “1” next to his name on the sheet, reflecting the fact that he won his match.

I could tell he was STOKED but there was no one there to celebrate with him.

So, I decided to be that guy.

(Note: I got tears in my eyes just typing that.)

My very strong intuition is that this young man probably didn’t come from the strongest family background. He was around sixteen years old. I know he was old enough to drive and have a job because he told me how much he loved chess and how he studied and played as much as he could when he wasn’t in school or working.

I helped him figure out where he would place and then congratulated him on officially becoming a professional chess player when it was clear that he finished high enough to make some money. He said he hoped it covered his entrance fees.

Again, he was so incredibly STOKED--feeling the “exhilarating pride” of a job very well done and I was so incredibly STOKED for him and equally committed to making sure he felt just how excited I was for him and his future.

I nearly wept as I shared this story with Alexandra a few minutes ago as I felt into the 20-30-40 hours I worked when I was in high school (and college) and how important it is that kids who don’t have all the resources our kids now have get as much Heroic support as we can give them.

Although I’m happy I Target swiped “Create a Micro Moment of Awesome with Someone” and “Encourage Someone”, I wish I had read this book before I got to spend those precious few minutes with him.

And, I wish I had copies of my book in the car so I could have given him one. And, I wish I had taken the extra minute to trade contact info so I could have given him the free lifetime Heroic membership link I always have ready at hand on my phone and stayed in touch.

And, most of all…

I wish that you and me and ALL of us take EVERY (!!!) opportunity we get to celebrate the people in our lives (Loved 1.0 and Loved 2.0 ones!) as we appreciate their successes so we can help them cook some “earned prestige” Hero Bars while shining a light on their Heroic potential.

Remember…

In the faces of men and women…

WE SEE HEROES!

Let’s remember that we NEVER know what moments may change someone’s life.

And…

Let’s go be wise mentors and empower them…

TODAY.